Not Another One

Do you know what is really energy-draining?  When you are just starting to like someone.  Yes, LIKE them like them.  It pulls in a lot of your attention, taking a lot of focus away from some very important things (like schoolwork).  It meddles with your priorities, to the point where you get excited about certain things because they have to do with him, and suddenly you're not even sure what your motivation is for doing things anymore.  And for people like me, who can be a little intense about things, these symptoms get pretty bad.

I am aware that starting to like someone can cause these problems, which was why I was kinda glad that I didn't have any MAJOR crushes starting this semester.  But of course, I can't avoid falling for someone, it's one of my tragic flaws.

I'm really frustrated about it because it's like, the fourth time it's happened within the last month and a half.  There was bowling guy, there was Hank Green look-alike, there was another one that was just starting about a week ago, and now, there's this one.  And I can tell from the start what kind of "crush" it's gonna be from the start.  Bowling guy, I talk to, but it's not a real intense like-age, I just think he's uber attractive.  Hank Green look-alike, well it really started because he looked like Hank Green, and that was a really intense far distance like-age, not really bound to go anywhere, but I was hoping to try and take it somewhere, ya know, at least meet him.  But this one...it's different.

UGGGHHH, I already have so much going on, I don't have room in my brain for liking someone, especially someone who I am actually kinda friends with who I see on a bi-weekly basis, who my friends actually KNOW, who I hung out with a LOT this weekend.

It's funny, I complain so much, but that feeling, as badly timed as it may be, well it's not all bad.

Isn't it kinda scary how you fall for people?  I mean this guy, I had met him, didn't really think much of him, ya know, he seems nice, he's not particularly attractive, but I mean, he's not bad.  But all of a sudden, I don't even remember when, but all of a sudden I liked him, and it totally took me by surprise.  Sheesh!

What really scares me about it is, with the "others" of the semester,  I liked them all simultaneously, in varying degrees depending on who I was around.  But now, now it's just him.  I've immediately forgotten about the others.  Not forgotten, but I just, I don't care anymore.  It's gonna be one of those.  Another "I can't see any other guys around me because they are not him" kinda thing.  Oh well.  Maybe I'll pursue him.  I think it's worth it.  He's a really nice guy.  Example: me and my friend were really cold when we were all outside (even though we had coats on) and he took his jacket off and offered it to us, and tried to drape it around us. And he was only wearing a T-shirt!  I told him we were fine, we were just complaining, and that he would freeze to death (and then he rubbed snow on his stomach to prove me wrong, of course).  Idk, he's just, I don't even know...

Anyways, I can't tell anyone because they know him, and it's just too weird, because we're all so close, so me liking one of them would make it awkward. I dee kay...

Anywho, it's been swell, and I love you a whole heck of a lot!!

LAAAAHHHHVVV!!!

I've had enough

Right now, I'm avoiding writing an essay because I really am not ready to write it.  Problem?  It's due tomorrow in class at 8:40 am.  Not so bad, right?  Pull through, write in little chunks, plan it out a bit, revise as I go, and BAM, a fairly decent essay finished by 3 am at the latest.  

But, as always, it's not that simple...

Tomorrow night at 7:30 pm, I have a Chemistry exam, one which I am not prepared for.  Okay, no big D, my classes are done by 11, just head over to the library to study for a few hours, bring a book to allow a little break (ya know, so I don't go insane) and BAM, fairly decent preparedness for my exam.

But once again, not that simple...

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to meet with my tutor for Math to go over this week's lessons and homework.  Only problem?  I haven't even looked at the homework yet because my weekend was dedicated to working on my Chemistry homework, and reading for my writing seminar. 

So basically, I'm stressed out, and today didn't make it any better.  I was up until 3:30 am working on my Chem homework that was due today, had to get up early to finish it, and then worked frantically between lecture and lab to finish the assignments I had to turn in at lab, which lasted a whole heck of a lot longer that I would have liked.  

Then, to give myself a little break, I took a bit of a nap at 5-ish, so I would be ready to work on my essay. BUT it lasted longer than it was supposed to, and I only had time to revise my already written thesis statement before a rehearsal tonight.

So basically, I'm pissed off, tired, and working towards things I don't even want.  I have no time to work on my videos, no time to do any of he things I have planned, I don't even have time to read freaking Harry Potter!!! And now, I'm having doubts about transferring out of Engineering.  This scares me a lot because I KNOW I can't deal with another semester on Engineering, it's a nightmare.  UGGGHHHHH! And I didn't turn in the application for Europe, because I didn't have time to fill it out, so that's not happening.  I just don't even know what to think right now, I seriously wish I had a different life right now.

I'm just being pessimistic.  Once tomorrow is over, I'll be a bit more relaxed...I think.  My Aunt Care and cousin Rheanna are coming on Saturday, so that's something to look forward to!!!  And I've lost 12 pounds, so that's a nice, reassuring things going on.

I don't know, if you find yourself in a similar situation as me at some point, let me know.  We can talk about it.

Anyways, I love you, and despite my anxiety and frustration, I'm still loving it here and maintaining my upbeat attitude. 

It's been swell!! Come again soon!

Why I now hate the bus system

Okay, I think it's about time to tell you about my horrible bus experience that I mentioned in my last post.

So, three of my friends and I took a bus down to the Ithaca Commons to buy dresses for VD Ball (Valentine's Day, that is).  The bus was pretty crowded, so we got split up, with two in the middle, and me and my friend Claire in the very back.  Between our two groups was a random guy who apparently was staring at us the whole ride, although I did not notice him at first.

So, I was telling Claire about the guy who looks like Hank Green and how I managed to find him on facebook, and she was talking about the guy from the hockey team who she had found on facebook.  We were casually throwing around the words "stalk" "stalking" and "stalker," but they were just exaggerations.  Neither of us ever ACTUALLY stalked anyone, we were just joking around about it.  In the middle of this, I heard someone talking, and turned to find the random man glaring at us and talking under his breath.

I couldn't understand all of what he said, but what I could make out was something along the lines of "You go stalk someone and then think you know everything about them and go around talking sh**."  At this point, I was terrified.  Claire and I immediately shut up, and I whispered to her asking if she had 911 on speed dial.  The man turned around and faced forward after this, and we calmed down a bit, kind of shaking it off.

However, our other friend turned around and said to us (in an overly preppy voice) "Oh my gosh guys, let's get a fake tan and pink dresses, and then we can be orange and pink!" and we responded "Oh my gosh, yeaahh!!" in the same voices.

And then, without turning around, the man made a gesture at us that I believe to be very rude and offensive.

Now, fortunately, we did not see this man again, but I was really angry.  Why is this man saying rude things and flicking us off?  We had never seen him before, we were not threatening him in any way, what on earth would possess him to do such a ridiculous thing??  Claire and I were going to tell the bus driver, but we wanted to get off that bus so badly, we completely forgot to.

I told someone about this incident, and they said that there are a lot of crazy people in Ithaca, so I have a feeling that he just was mentally unstable.  But still, it was really scary.

Anyways, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

Oh, and tomorrow, I am going to meet Hank Green look-alike.  At least, I'm going to try...wish me luck!

It's been quite splendid!  Do come again soon!

Hank Green Look-Alike??

Well, hello there!

Okay, so in my math discussion, there was this guy who immediately reminded me of Hank Green the first time I saw him.  At first, I wasn't sure if it was just me, or if he actually looked like Hank Green, so I asked my friend.  My friend agreed.  I used the Cornell people search to find him, and then I found him on facebook, and now he's my new favorite person.

I know that sounds creepy, but I mean, if you saw someone who looked like Hank Green, wouldn't you do the same???  So now my dilemma is that I'm not sure if I'm in love with this kid simply because he looks like Hank Green, or if I'm in love with this kid who happens to look like Hank Green.

In other news, I spend $60 on books yesterday.  I FINALLY bought the last thee Harry Potter books, and John Green's books.  Only problem is I seriously have no time for non-school related reading.  I haven't even finished Goblet of Fire yet!! (which is KILLING ME!).

My dorm is holding a formal dance next saturday called Valentine's Day Ball (although most refer to it as just VD Ball, which could cause some confusion if you don't know what it's supposed to stand for).  Yesterday I went shopping with some friends for a dress, and I got this really pretty red dress with sparkles on it that falls to just above my knees.

Also, the bus ride before the shopping involved an incident where I was seriously afraid for my life, but that will take some more time to explain, so I'll leave that for my next post.

I wonder if I'm ever going to let my friends know about this blog, or if it's going to continue being my own personal online talking to myself fest...

Anyways, it's been lovely!

I love you, you lovely lovely person!

Overanalyzing, as usual

I've been thinking an awful lot lately about rather profound things, and I'm not sure yet how I feel about them.  I was reading a mystery story by Edgar Allen Poe for my writing seminar last night, and the main character of this story is highly logical and observant.  The idea is brought up that a man, who is a poet, is a fool, simply because he is a poet, and poets are fools.  The highly logical character admits to being a poet himself, and this in a way dispels the idea that all poets are fools.  However, later we find out that the poet is also a mathematician and therefore must be quite logical, seeing as he is both a poet and a mathematician.  I was agreeing with him until I reached a certain point where he basically says that if he were just a mathematician, he would not have that sense of logic, and goes on to explain that mathematics and physical sciences don't deal with realistic things, but rather idealized formulas and models.

At first I was offended, seeing as I've always been a big math and science person.  But lately, I've been having my doubts about all this stuff.  Don't get me wrong, I still love love LOVE science, but now that I'm in chemistry and we're talking about accuracy and precision and all and doing experiments in lab, I just don't feel the same as I once did.

I get excited when I learn something in science, something that I can see in action right before my eyes, and can recreate.  I love how you can hear someone talk about rotational motion and angular momentum, and then see it ACTUALLY WORK when someone throws a bowling ball and it curves ever so nicely when it hits that last few feet of the lane.  I love how when you spin in a spinny chair and suddenly pull your legs in, you spin faster.  I love how you can read about how two substances react together, and then when you mix them, they actually change colors.  I love finding out how our world works, because it is one incredible and complex world.

But that's just the thing.  It is indeed very complex; too complex, in fact, for our human minds to understand EVERYTHING about it.  It is incredible; unbelievably beautiful, and it all fits together so perfectly.  If it is so complex and incredible (incredible coming from the latin word for believe and the prefix in, basically meaning not, in this case at least) then why are we trying so hard to fit it into an equation?  This is what I've been thinking about lately.

In Chemistry, I keep reading about significant figures, precise measurements, and how certain accepted values are not pinpoint exact.  We then use these non-exact values with measurements that certainly aren't exact, because there is always some error, and we get answers that are very close to other data recorded before, but it's never exact.  Basically, I just am wondering what the point of my education in these subject areas is if nothing is definite.  I feel that going out there and experiencing things, having guided experiences with physical concepts and chemical interactions, provides more useful information than reading a textbook, because when you read the textbook, you expect exactness, whereas if you go out there and see it done, you know not to expect it to be exact to our equations.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say.  I think basically, I'm challenging ideas that I've had for quite a long time.  I've always found math and science to be very objective, with one right answer, and equations that accurately measure real things.  But I'm realizing now that nothing when applied to real life is ever objective, other than things like 2 + 2.  But then again, 2 + 2 is something that we as humans created.  I think the reason that I am so unsure about myself all the time is that I understand that nothing can ever truly be exactly predicted, other than 2 + 2.  I often don't share my opinions about things because I don't have strong enough opinions about very many things, mainly because there is truly no way to make then black or white.  Before beginning an argument, I involuntarily go through every possible justification against me, and sometimes I simply keep to myself because I cannot clearly argue against EVERY claim against my idea, even before anyone else mutters a word against me.

I find people who are very sure they know things and are very closed minded to other possibilities to be very foolish.  I myself believe certain things to be definite and for sure, but have entertained the thought that maybe they are not, and this is why I can be so sure of these things.  One of these is God.  I cannot find any explanation that fits any better than God.  Another thing that I am sure of is that there is a very complex and absolute truth, and while we can fathom some of it, other bits simply can't be contained in our minds.  And the final thing is, that we as humans will never be able to explain everything on our own, and in order to go out and obtain knowledge in any field, we must first understand that we will never understand everything.

Just a warning: this is just the beginning stages of my thought process on this.  I may change some of the things I've said in a later post, but this is how I see it for now.  I hope I didn't scare you away

I would also like to note that I by no means think of myself as some sort of genius, and I do hope that that's not how I came across in this blog post.  umm, yeah, this is awkward...

Okay, it's been swell!

I love you!

A Real Job!

I have been ushering for the Cornell Cinema since around the second half of first semester, and was just giving up hope of acquiring a payed position at the theater, when, low and behold, I got an email from the cinema manager informing me of a box office position that has just opened up.  He asked if I was interested, and I had to restrain from responding with HECK YES!  So, starting next week, I will be working, as a paid employee, at the Cornell Cinema.  YAY!

So far, this semester is going wonderfully.  I got started on my work early, and am now right on schedule with homework and reading, maybe even a little bit ahead.  I've been spending a lot of time with my fellow chorus members, and last weekend we had two 3 hour and one 4 hour rehearsals.  I've been keeping on track with my Weight Watchers points, and I even went to the gym on Monday with a friend.

I'm feeling pretty great right now.  I will admit, I should probably be working on some homework that is due tomorrow.  However, instead of having an entire assignment left to do (as was was usual last semester the night before homework was due) I only have two small sections of problems left.  Then I think I'll read some of my Chemistry and Math textbooks, just to be prepared for tomorrow's lectures, and I'll be all set!

I also feel great because I posted another video on YouTube today, and I rather like this one.  It took some time, and I think it's one of my best yet.

I have a meeting on Tuesday with Engineering advising regarding my possible transfer to Arts & Sciences.  Hopefully they'll let me know what I need to do to transfer, what my chances are of being accepted with my grades from last semester, and who I can talk to within arts that will help me with this process.  I'm still thinking of film, but it's not definite.  I'll get back to you.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, I got my hairs cut!  It's a bit past shoulder length, and I now have some bangs.  I quite like it, and I've gotten a lot of compliments.  All in all, I'm feeling just splendid!  And I hope you are too =D

Okay, well, I'm off!

It's been swell!

School?

I am back at school now.  This is a very good thing for a lot of reasons, like spending time with awesome friends, the delicious food here at Cornell, and retuning to the awesome community that is chorus.  However, there are also some not so great things about being back at school.  I've got quite the schedule this semester, and although I will be dropping one class (not sure which yet), it will still require a lot of work.  In order to succeed this semester, I am going to have to follow a tight schedule to keep me on task, because I have ADD, and last semester was just shy of a nightmare (academically that is.  I quite enjoyed myself in general).  So, while I know school will be great in some ways, I can't help wishing I had just a LITTLE more time at home.

The summer program in Europe that I mentioned is a very strong possibility.  I emailed the man in charge, and he said he thinks I would be a good candidate for it.  I just have to wait for the applications to come around, apply, and see how that goes.  I also have to decide which program I want to do (or decide to do both).  The first one, which goes from May 26th to July 3rd, begins in Dublin and moves to Paris, Barcelona, and Marseille, and the second runs July 4th to August 1st and takes place in Rome.  I thought the second one would be more relevant to me, but the guy suggested doing either.  I really love how the first involves so many different cities, all of which I've never been to, so now I'm leaning more towards that one.

I would also love to do a bit of traveling afterwards, and of course that would have to be in England.  I mean, I'm in love with the place and I haven't even been there.  I think I should see if it's as great as I think it is, ya know?

So, summer traveling is a very very likely possibility, which makes me very happy and gives me something to work towards.

And now, I will look into my classes to see if there's anything I can do to get ahead.

It's been dandy!

I was born
I was born to be with you
in this space and time
after that
and ever after